I'm floating on a calm ocean... everything is calm on the ocean... and since I am on the ocean as we've already established, I am calm ...everything is very... calm... in a calming way (and you know how words don't seem like real words if you type or say them a lot? yeah) calm... calmy-calm-calm-calm.
And now I remember that I'm afraid of large bodies of water... and am less than calm.
DAMN.
I'm so tired I am actually looking forward to Monday's critique because I'm pretty sure it's going to be the only cathartic part of the week. There's too many things to do, very little time to do those things, and of course there's hardly time to redo things that should have been done right to begin with... and the temptation to curl up in a ball on the floor and drink tiny bottles of vodka while pretending I'm a two foot tall alcoholic is well... tempting. Seriously, that is a fun time right there, I recommend it to anyone who's ever secretly wanted to live in a cupboard.
But I digress.

Because The End is no longer near.
It is HERE.
Through the power of time-lapsed writing, second term of third year ended last Thursday and I'm overwhelmed and kinda numb... and a little sneezy.
Let's recap shall we?
This year productions class was even more important than it usually is, with all the mandatory exhibitions and the faculty watching each student and the work they produce very closely in preparation for thesis year. Pressure was felt.
This year I produced the following projects for Productions:

Selling Ideas: Camera Persona
Hybrid: There Are Still Things
Book: This Is Not Your Life
Final Exhibition: We All Fall From Trees
and bonus for Maximum Exposure gallery show: Abreaction

I exhibited There Are Still Things in an independent-from-school group show, and This Is Not Your Life at the Ryerson Gallery.
My grades were:
A-
A
A+
and not known currently A+

My final critique was interesting to say the least. I made another book. I arrived late to set up because I slept in like a fool and since it was a book I needed to hang my artist statement and "cover art" only. This lateness ensured that no one got to preview my work beforehand. Shrouded in mysterious mystery, I passed two copies around, and blathered nervously for a bit. I waited for my professors Katy and Weislaw, and consulting artist Sara, to speak.

Katy defered to Sara and I got nervous...er.
Sara: this is really brilliant, I'm not even half done and it's just...
Katy nodded, and with the nodding I could see glinting... she was CRYING.
Holy crap people. I was not prepared for that.
Weislaw asked me how I went about the project. I explained that I had essentially been working on it for a few years.
Weislaw: you would have to... How many pieces did you do and how much did you write? It's just so well edited that I get the impression that there's much more and you made it as tight as possible...
Me: There's definitely more to it, at least five more pieces and so much writing, I will sometimes write 1000 words and edit down to 200.
Weislaw: Yes... you know, I thought with your last book you had peaked, I thought "ok, she has done it and it is the best she can do" but now, if it is possible, you have outdone yourself.
Wieslaw is the king of the backhanded compliment, which I kinda love.
Me: um... thank you...
Weislaw: so you have professionals working for you?
Me: sorry?
Weislaw: I'm just kidding!
Me: oh. Haha!

I was so caught off guard by their reactions that I stood there like an abandoned marionette for what seemed like an eternity of praise. I don't know how to respond to praise; it causes me PHYSICAL PAIN. I squirm.

Finally Katy spoke: In reading this I'm just struck with the emotion... it's just...
Sara: it's really human.
Katy: exactly, even when you speak of these terrible things, you do so in such a way that I feel for these people, and I don't feel you're judging them, and I feel the love... and I worry for you. As I go along I'm just filled with this tension and dread. And exactly as you said, the fear of becoming something else...

And then I started tearing up, but did not cry.

Weislaw: So again, you have done it... and I have a feeling you will do very well... so everyone, the line for autographs start here, get them while you can.
Me wiggling in discomfort: Oh dear...
peers: giggle.
and then people hugged me. KINDNESS! PRAISE! FAITH IN ARTISTIC ABILITY! PINS! NEEDLES! STABBING PAIN!
And then Weislaw ran away with my book, giving it to the head of the school of image arts. Holy Pants.
Aneurysm!

And then I found the letter in my mailbox informing me my proposal for a show at the Ryerson Gallery next year has been approved. I will be exhibiting with two graduates.

I went home and dramatically threw myself facefirst onto my bed. And broke it. Because that is how my life works. My entire bed now rests on piles and piles of textbooks. Because that is how I work.
I slept 14 hours and through osmosis I now know all there is to know about art. That was the comalicious interlude before the next thing:

Thursday was the Ryerson Maximum Exposure show where I had one piece at Gallery 1313. I apparently won Best Third Year Photography or something. The prize? A sweet manfrotto tripod that for three years I haven't been able to afford.
I KNOW.
So that happened. And who the hell knows how or why... I know I certainly don't since I wasn't there at the time (to be fair, the show was split between two galleries, two clubs and one hotel.)

I only heard the news through facebook where dear Jen left me a message that said "congratulations on the manfrotto!"
I responded as intelligently as I could "wot?"
by which I meant "you are clearly drunk again and rambling on the wrong page, I promise to be your sober friend as soon as I'm qualified"
and then she called me a doof and explained about the prize and I knew it was true. The part about being a doof, I only believed the thing about the tripod when it was in my greedy mitts.

And that's it. It's over and I'm left to my own bored devices. Random art and impulsive this-is-totally-a-good-idea haircutting ensue.
I'm so unsure with how to deal with the events of this year. It seems like so much has happened so quickly and I've had little time to digest. I have lumps of important happenings dissolving slowly in my stummy and this might take a while.
In the meantime, I hope you've enjoyed this overlong update!

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